Search your soul

Self Soothing The Senses

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Self-soothing is one of the most effective tools we have to get through the most painful and scary moments in life. While these techniques do not solve any problems for us, they do help us manage the fear and anxiety that prevent us from taking action. Self-soothing is also crucial for a variety of mental health reasons.

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

We all struggle with anxiety from time to time. Even though it’s uncomfortable, it’s a natural and sometimes useful sensation. It helps us feel when something is wrong or dangerous long before we figure it out logically. If all is well with our natural anxiety response, the bad feeling shouldn’t stick around. Anxiety is supposed to subside soon after we remove ourselves from the sketchy situation or solve the problem.

For most people, anxiety and panic attacks are rare occurrences which are stressful, but not major life problems. Unfortunately though, for many of us that’s not the case. Nearly 1 out of every 5 Americans struggle with chronic, heightened anxiety that doesn’t go away even when the danger has passed.

What can you do?

Soothe your senses

If you’re having a hard time dealing with recurrent anxiety and overwhelming emotions, let me share how to literally ‘calm your nerves (and senses!)’ whenever possible. Whenever you ever find yourself feeling out-of-control, start out by taking a deep breath. After that, you can gather your thoughts and arm yourself with a self soothing tactic below and move past the anxiety to get back to normal. Here are some examples of how to self-soothe through each of the senses…

Oh what do I see?

For anxiety that follows us home and just won’t let up, this is the tool we need. Walking through nature is deeply relaxing and quickly alleviates an anxious mood. Go to a pretty spot in nature or a local park. Look at photos of beautiful artwork or go to a museum to see them in person. Buy or pick some flowers and put them where you will see them often in your home or office. Watch a video of your favorite nature scenery.

So, if you’re feeling stuck in an anxious, tense mood, put your walking shoes on and get outside and watch your worries float away.

Feelin’ pretty fine

Sometimes, we just need to do something to release all of that anxious energy. Working on something with our hands is self-soothing because it is an excellent distraction from our racing thoughts. Repetitive, easy tasks can help distract us from the issue and stop the negative thought cycle.

Hand distractions are a great self-soothing tool for anyone feeling anxious. Learn to knit, play an instrument, or draw. If you want to add tactile sensations on an extra level consider these: take a warm bath or shower, wear soft, comfortable clothes, cuddle a furry friend, snuggle in a soft blanket, use a heated pad, or even just go outside and feel the breeze on your skin. Color in a coloring book. I have a mandala coloring book that I ‘zen out’ with that helps keep my hands busy.

Make a sound

Research shows that humming can improve airflow between the sinuses and the nasal cavity. This, in turn, gives you greater access to breathing. As stated above when you can breathe deeply you feel more relaxed. Humming creates turbulence in the air, which pushes it out more forcefully than quiet breathing. Humming also plays a role in certain meditation practices. Many yoga practitioners use a breathwork technique called “the bee.” It’s exactly what you’d expect. Lots of controlled breaths through sealed lips. On each exhale, the person makes a humming sound similar to a bee buzzing. This technique is often recommended for calming the mind and relieving stress.

Next time you get stressed, try humming your favorite song for 20 seconds. See if you feel better. In fact, there’s no better way to calm your mind and boost your spirits than by humming a happy tune. If that fails try to listen to calming music such or sounds such as the ocean or other nature sounds. Listen to a cat purr. Stamp your feet. Beat rhythmically on a “drum” if you have the right tools.

Whatever the obstacle is, you should try your best to overcome it.

Is that soulrenity I smell?

Inhaling certain scented oil molecules is said to transmit messages to a brain region involved in controlling emotions. Known as the limbic system, this brain region also influences the nervous system.

Aromatherapy proponents suggest that essential oils may affect a number of biological factors, including heart rate, stress levels, blood pressure, breathing, and immune function. Some of these scents are often touted as a natural remedy for stress, anxiety, depression, fatigue, menstrual cramps and menopausal symptoms. Some even supposedly act as an aphrodisiac.

When you do feel anxiety creeping in, consider getting a whiff of something soothing and fragrant like an essential oil or scented candle. Try a calming scent like lavender, orange, jasmine, or vanilla. Sniff a cologne or perfume your enjoy. Cook a fragrant meal or bake something yummy.

If there’s a particular smell that puts you in a happy place, find it to harness its positive vibes.

That taste delightful!

We’ve all probably heard the science stating eating dark chocolate can help reduce levels of cortisol and catecholamines (hormones associated with stress), especially for those with high anxiety. Remember, go easy. Chocolate is calorically dense-eating too much can pack on the pounds and that can lead to more stress.

Something as simple as enjoying some seasonal fruit for the texture can be a chocolate alternative. Chewing gum or sucking boiled sweets. Sip herbal tea, such as chamomile. Drink hot cocoa. Suck on a lollipop or mint. Savor a piece of chocolate. Enjoy a delicious meal.

There’s so very much we love to taste. Find what satisfies you.

When do you use these skills?

Use these skills anytime you like! When you self-soothe you treat yourself with compassion, kindness, and care – similar to the way a good parent treats an upset child. Self-soothing has been shown to build resilience by making it easier to bounce back from difficult times. Times when we may experience stress from a major life event, like losing a job or relationship, or when we have painful or overwhelming emotions are all common.

Don’t worry about feeling awkward, guilty, or ashamed doing self-soothing activities (I know I did at first). We have been conditioned to believe some of the things that can help us the most are childish in practice. Which can’t be true because taking charge of our mental health and deliberately confronting our emotions is a very mature thing to do.

If you want to benefit from self-soothing, it’s important to challenge and overcome any beliefs that prevent you from practicing it.

Be open and experiment with all the senses. Try self-soothing through different senses and a variety of activities. Remain aware of the present moment and the effect the sensations are having on you. If you’d like you can try to create entire “self-soothing experiences” that use several senses at once. For example, take a scented bubble bath with lit candles, sip a drink while using a face mask and listening to soft music, or go for a relaxing brisk walk in cool breeze.

Don’t be emotionally “hijacked,” (lose control of parts of your brain that control rational thinking have shut down and you aren’t able to think straight) when you are behind the wheel of wellness.

Self-soothing is a powerful tool for tolerating distress. If you’re looking for ways to get through difficulties without resorting to behaviors that will cause more trouble, it’s a valuable skill to master – so make yourself a cup of tea, put on some soothing sounds, light a candle or two, and try it out. You might be surprised by what soothes you.

Is It Me? A Love Avoidant

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In a previous article we discussed love attachment styles and relationship mindsets such as ‘Love addiction’. Now we’ll talk about one of the Four Attachment Styles in Love which was initially studied in the 1960s and 1970s for children/caregivers and then in the 1980s extended to adult relationships. It has now become commonplace to dive deeper in this area for those within the psychology field.

The Four Attachment Styles:

  • Secure
  • Anxious-Preoccupied
  • Dismissive-Avoidant
  • Fearful-Avoidant

There are so many working models and theories about how this unfolds, manifest, and influence in our relationships with ourselves and others.

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The simplistic take is that these behaviors are mirrors of the ideas and beliefs we have formed about who we are and about our close relationships. I’ll talk about the style I am most familiar with, which is my own…

Dismissive-avoidant

We all know that in terms of physical and character traits we differ. The same is true of the unique styles of our romantic and interpersonal relationships. There are two “avoidant” attachments styles: fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant.

It is believed those with an avoidant styles think about intimacy as “dangerous” and that other people are “unreliable” or that being intimate with them is “not important”. A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style has a mentality stating they do not need others. They believe they can survive by themselves, by being alone. Sometimes they even think they do not need to depend on others for happiness or to feel “completeness” as a person. This is viewed by them as a weakness in others.

Dismissive-avoidant individuals have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am. 

Cognitive Scientist from MIT, Jeb Kinnison

This style is not something we choose purposefully. It is ingrained in them from a young age by being trained that they could not rely on their caregivers. This style then develops as a means of coping with that reality by opting not to be overly intimate/emotional when it comes to relationships. Why should they trust others when they have been taught others are unreliable through actions and/or words? They are often described as ‘cold’ in their relationships. Here are some other noticeable traits of people with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style:

Aversion to attachments

Adults with this attachment style may harbor an unrealized fear of rejection and thus opt to not be involved in close relationships. Believe it or not, physical and emotional attachments, will cause them to shift away. There are genuine feelings of discomfort when it comes to actual physical contact and/or intimacy and even romantic gestures to their partners. They find it hard to truly show physical contact. Sometimes they seem like as loners, impersonal and more objective than average. The more you try to ‘attach’ to them, the more ‘avoidant’ they act.

Expressive repression

Instead of coping with conflicts, they repress their feelings. They deal with loss/separation in several ways. Their inability to be as vulnerable as others are, means that they aren’t as directly expressive. They may tend to complain and sulk to their partners and find it easier to express negative feelings than express positive ones. In some extreme cases, these types can even lack the capability to describe their feelings at all and express them simply in words.

Selfish comfort

This is a coping mechanism employed by dismissive-avoidants that entails hurting others rather than being hurt. They may be more focused on their own comfort, to the detriment of not being sensitive to the feelings of others. They (as do I) find it daunting to open up their feelings to their partners. And when you really want to see the “dismissive” side of them just try to have a “normal” discussion or disagreement. I’ve been told I am ‘self-centered/focused/assured’ before I was aware I was just trying to cope.

Less memory recall

Does this possible dismissive-avoidant say they had an amazing childhood and loving parents? Yet can’t recall details to tie it all together? This is why they rarely talk about themselves and their previous relationships. It’s not that they don’t want to remember the details, they just aren’t there. Well they are, but they are hidden from the mind of the dismissive-avoidant to avoid admitting that maybe they were left to self-parent more than they recall.

Controlled conversations

This one might be hard for some to swallow. Dismissive-avoidant types refuse (avoid) detailed conversations. They avoid answering questions that could re-assure their partners. You may notice they:

  • Tend to trigger jealousy in relationships by getting “close” to others when already in a relationship to self sabotage
  • Think they are not “ready” for the next level of commitment even when relationships are going well
  • Find faults on their partners habits such as eating, drinking, talking, or even how they dress
  • Struggle to say loving words such as “I love you” or “I miss you” regardless of how much they imply they are interested in you (and we really are!)
  • Sometimes gravitate toward a relationship with someone who can’t be fully emotionally available to them (i.e. married, or partnered)

Again it’s important to understand no one consciously chooses their attachment style. It has been formed over many, many years and a collection of personal experiences that we all go through as individuals. The dismissive-avoidant isn’t being this way on purpose or to hurt you. For them, this is just a subconscious pattern that has integrated itself into their minds and affected their deepest perspectives on relationships.

A dismissive-avoidant is usually being practical first and foremost without a second thought to other ways of thinking. I personally have been called ‘cold‘ and ‘emotionally distance‘ on several occasions by previous partners all because I thought I was choosing to listen to my brain over my emotions.

Love or leave em’

Not everyone can handle being partnered with an avoidant type and not everyone has to. But what if you feel like you can accept that in someone. What will you do if you are with one now? Do you feel like you may be trapped in relationships with someone who may be a dismissive-avoidant? Are they unable to give you the caring connection you require?

Before you toss out what could be a way for you to bond with this being, realize some things. First, there are specific actions and words we can all take in order to break the bad patterns of our romantic past. Have a conversation about their attachment style. Many people don’t even know their own (do you know yours?) so ask them if you can take this attachment style test together (even if you’ve already taken it) to find out your styles.

Second, if they (or you!) do register on the avoidant scale there are ways they can become more responsive and empathetic to your needs. Lastly, all walls can be taken down, even if it’s one brick at a time but you (and them) have to be willing to do the work. Self-improvement and personal development are free tools to us all.

We will go into each style of attachment in time and must reiterate, these styles are usually picked up in childhood and then pushed along into adulthood. It’s the driving reason behind how differently all adults in relationships deal with conflicts.

Once you know your style and your partner knows theirs, you may find your relationship easier to navigate with the clarity of knowing how to deal with those we hold dearest…even if some us avoid saying it so plainly.

Unnecessary Guilt

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Of all the emotions that people don’t like to feel, at the top you’ll find guilt. While guilt can be a very necessary and healthy emotion that helps us to grow, guilt can be an emotion that easily grows until it turns into the lovely little monster called a ‘Guilt complex‘.

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

Usually when we feel guilty about something, there’s a good reason. Sometimes we’ve done something wrong, made a mistake, taken part in something we’re not proud of, shared something we weren’t supposed to. There are various other reasons that can cause this uncomfortable emotion to appear.

Can you have too much guilt?

If we live in a space of incredible amounts of guilt, it can create a myriad of problems that are hard to address in a simple manner.

Living with the low state of guilt can cause health problems and distract us from living our daily lives in a healthy manner. Those of us that are stuck with the feelings of guilt will have a hard time functioning. Especially if it has taken over our perception of everyday life. The guilt will seep its way into us and color our experience so that we’re not able to let go, forgive, or find the strength to cultivate our own well being.

Guilt is one of those emotions that easily grows by feeding on itself. It turns into a pair of goggles we wear every single day. Each experience that comes our way after we put on these goggles will be uncomfortable to manage. That’s the powerful filter of guilt.

Identify the guilty culprit

Trying to function normally while you’re operating within a Guilt complex takes away the joy from life and excitement at new opportunities. It dis-empowers you and the ability to find your own unique personal power. Excessive amounts of guilt have a very low vibrational frequency that replicates from the moment you first interact with a person in your day. You will instantly ask yourself a whole heap of questions about how you’re interacting and if you’ve done something wrong.

Worse yet, the feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, and distrust accompany strong feelings of guilt. If we’re not able to release the guilt or find a healthy way to deal with it, we can eventually find ourselves over exaggerating circumstances in life, or worse – developing a victim mentality in order to deny the pain of our own guilt from doing something wrong.

Recognizing that guilt is a normal emotion is very important. To work through life’s challenges guilt has been presented to us to teach us a lesson of inner growth.

While it is an uncomfortable way of addressing ourselves, guilt will help us in the long run if we learn to temper it’s hold on us. Often we hear people talking about getting rid of guilt, but in order for the guilt to be a healthy emotion that we interact with we have to first understand why it became excessive in the first place. If guilt has turned into a constant strain on your daily life it must be addressed. 

Why do you feel this way?

Firstly, it’s normal to do something wrong. We’re not perfect beings.  We will make mistakes in life (more than once) and this guilt will teach us how to learn from these mistakes if we use it in a healthy manner on our own healing path. Simply realizing that our responsibility lies within ourselves is one of the most important steps to overcoming unnecessary guilt levels.

For those of us that are operating within a capacity of excessive guilt, we suffer because we often think that others are being hurt by us or we take on their suffering into our own psyche.

Taking on someone else’s suffering as your own or thinking that you’re to blame keeps you in a state of fear, anxiety, and blame. It turns into a game of trying to figure out whether or not you’re to blame for someone else’s state of being. Truly, we are only responsible for our own well-being.

If guilt has become a regular part of your life, it’s time to take a step back and fight it with one of the most powerful tools you have: Understanding. 

Chase guilt away with joy

You are a constant evolving being with many lessons for growth in this life. In many ways you have to experience the feelings of guilt to learn about how to live healthily and find your own personal joy.  With the power of understanding we can learn a lot. Namely that we all have character flaws, make mistakes, hurt other people, and have been hurt by others. Everyone makes mistakes, admitting that is the first key to addressing a crippling sense of guilt.

There are many pieces to the puzzles that are “us”. This just happens to be one of the more complicated ones. We have to start realizing that everyone is responsible for their own happiness.

No one on this planet is completely blameless or hasn’t felt the sense of shame that comes along with guilt. But before you find yourself irrationally blaming yourself, learn to accept these thoughts and emotions as a natural part of life. These emotions are a necessary component to our sense of self. It promotes healing, growing, and thriving. Moving through them and learning how to rationally identify when you’re going too far is paramount.

Take a step back, look at the situation, and ask yourself:

But…are you really to blame for this?

Take the time today to recognize just how incredibly destructive and counter productive guilt can be if left unchecked. Learn to understand your flaws and strengths so that guilt becomes a healthy part of your exploration in this life instead of a chain that holds you down to a negative experience you’d rather avoid. There’s so much more to life!

Simple + Subtle Signs of a Toxic Relationship

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When you have engaged in a close relationship with someone, you want to believe the relationship has the best to offer and usually they can flourish if we meet someone of a like mind. But of course, as we all know, some relationships should come with a warning label attached.

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All of us as individuals have our own uniquely personal issues and hurdles to overcome. It’s one thing to have a set of problems but it’s entirely another thing to have a pattern of deeply compounded problems that can make a relationship a nightmare of toxic proportions!

I’m going to share five simple and subtle signs to look out for when you might be engaging in a toxic relationship or dynamic with someone. These are so subtle that sometimes they go unnoticed or are simply subconsciously unaware to you. Do any of these look familiar?

Energy Levels

One of the major signs that can go undetected in a toxic dynamic that most people tend to overlook, especially at the beginning of a relationship, is the amount of energy we might be pouring into the other person and the relationship.

While a new relationship unfolds we might spend a lot of time trying to get along with a person or getting to know them. This is a good place. However, there is a difference between that and becoming exhausted. This happens when you can’t keep up with that person’s needs, wants, or whims. Which often seem to be constantly shifting.

What might look like we’re trying to get to know a person and their “quirks” or habits, engaging with a person that might not be as healthy for you. Thus it will create a huge drop in your own energy levels when you engage with them. Think about your post interaction feelings: Are leaving you feeling exhausted and running around with too many questions in your mind after it’s over? Feel like you were engaged in a mental mind game? This could be worth looking into.

Quick to Blame Past Relationships/Friendships/Connections

The person stuck in their destructive behavior or repeating patterns that are detrimental for a relationship will have an incredible knack for calling out those people that came before you. They may engage you in conversation about people in their past and point out how this person or that person has done them wrong.

Was it all their ex’s fault? Are they still bringing their past words into the present? Have they admitted any fault on their part on why things didn’t work out? You will notice there will be no room for balance between whether or not they may have played a part in the demise of their previous relationships, friendships, or connections. They were the ones that walked away with all the pain and hurt, not the other person. They almost always view themselves as the “victim“. Watch out for this! It’s a big one.

Comparison to Past Friends or Relationships

This one is pretty easy to spot but if you’re a person that has attracted bad relationship dynamics to yourself before, you might miss this repeatedly. A toxic individual will generally build you up to smooth over the tight places–think hiding their flaws. Or not giving you a whole picture of themselves–in the early stages of your relationship. This is a trap! In order to do this, they will butter you up by complimenting and comparing you to a past relationship or friendship. They will share how much “happier” they are now they have you instead.

You will find the comparisons might even get amped up at in the beginning simply as an effort to gain your trust. This is all so you start to feel at ease about them. Later down the road, you will find this to reveal itself as not being true.

Early Warning Signs from Trusted Friends or Family

If you have a family member or friend you genuinely trust and your relationship is healthy and they seem to be warning you, it will come in statements such as:

“I don’t know if I like this person.”

“Are you sure about this guy/girl?”

“I’m not seeing you much since you met them. Are you sure you’re alright?“

How much do you know about this person?

Of course, not all of these statements could refer directly to someone being toxic but it’s all about the context hidden within. If this person really knows you and is looking out for your highest wellbeing (with no ulterior motives), listen closely. They will ask you questions pointing back to your new state of being that they notice. Pay attention and don’t be afraid to express your doubts if you have them.

Playing the Constant Victim and Distorting Reality

The biggest sign to watch out for in the beginning stages of an unhealthy dynamic is a person that just seems to want to be saved either by you or everyone else. There is no pleasing the person in a perpetual state of victimhood. Don’t play that game, you will lose!

You can tell this type of person right as they don’t shy away from asking for help–in massive droves. They usually have a list of people that they wished they could get the attention of, that would help them but those people are nowhere to be seen. This is where you will step in to fill the gap for the latest person that ran for the hills.

Did I hear what I thought?

There will also be a hint of distortion around your interactions which make you question yourself, your conviction, and the conversations you have with this person. You will think that maybe you’re the one being unreasonable. This creates a brain fog and you’re too busy looking for clues when the truth is right in front of you, it’s just being distorted.

Have you found your own relationship, friendship, or connection having any of these problems? If so, it might be time to take a step back, double-check. Make sure you’re not giving over your time and energy to someone whose toxicity is preventing them to avoid their own personal healing or growing process. In the end what you allow, is what will continue.

5 Ways Night Owls Soar

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The results are in! According to a recent poll on our Facebook Page, voters decided that being a night owl was far better than catching the morning worm.

Let me guess…it’s way past a “normal” bedtime and you’ve found yourself up and wide awake. Maybe you’re like myself and in the middle of a late night kitchen creation, re-decorating frenzy, midnight grocery shopping, or just hard at work.

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It’s night time and you feel wide awake.

A tendency towards being a night owl can actually run in families (my family enjoys being up late too!) and when presented with the typical 9-to-5 setup can manifest into a very stressful cycle.

Wake up by 7 A.M.
Start work by 9 A.M.
Leave work at 5 P.M.
Second wind before 11 P.M.
Sleep by 1 A.M. or later

For me, this has been a way of life since I was a teenager. Depending on what projects I am working on or if my mind is busy I can often find myself up until dawn. I stopped asking why I was a night person a long time ago when I found contentment in the benefits of my late night lifestyle. So, what is beneficial by staying up late?

1. Higher intelligence

Researchers in 2006 and 2009 confirmed via the science journal Personality and Individual Differences noted night owls scored higher on a series of IQ tests versus regular schedule participants.

2. Physical strength

Apparently night owls display a phenomenon called “night strength”. Our strength increases around 9:00 P.M. It was hypothesized that the increase was in the spinal cord and motor cortex excitability. This is the opposite of early risers motor cortex which peaked during daytime hours. If you enjoy working out in the afternoon or nighttime, this could be why.

3. Creativity strikes

The stillness of the night can be the perfect environment for a night owl. With fewer distractions and general quietness, this can facilitate a peaceful time to slip into a reflective state. We will exhibit more conscious thinking, wandering minds stretching further than typical thinking that will beg to birth new ideas. This is when our inner musician, programmer, artist, or writer (I’m writing this at 3 A.M.) decides to come out and play.

4. Flexible personalities

Have you ever shared a space with an early riser? They generally function very well on routine. Waking up happens on a schedule. Going to bed has a specific time. When there’s a slight disruption in those schedules it is more difficult for them to be flexible and adapt accordingly. For us night owls, we are more spontaneous and go-with-the-flow (even during daylight hours) and can adapt more to varying sleeping patterns.

5. You’re part of a tribe

There’s a whole secret society! No, seriously back in 2005 Von Glitschka, an illustrative designer created The Night Owl Society after working for 12 years as a “creative hired gun” for agencies across the globe and noticing that he, and many other designers like him, work so much better at night. If you enjoy the quiet uninterrupted perk of working late at night the group might be for you. Membership is available for anyone and you’ll receive a membership certificate, sketch pad, and more when joining. Check them out on Facebook as well!

Our nocturnal tribe soars at midnight. We are the night owls -– whose pixels, presses, polygons and projects flourish best under obsidian skies.

-Von Glitschka

Day and night

So, there you have it. Morning people and night owls are really two different species when you break it down. I know there’s benefits to both sides of the sleeping wars but often night owls get a bad wrap. Just remember, no matter if you are an early bird or night owl you are unique and special, just like your circadian rhythm.

Don’t stress about changing your natural sleep preference and pattern unless there is a real need to do so. Be who you really are and shift your view of being a night owl as a strength rather than a problem that needs to be solved.

The next time someone gets on you about your late night schedule, just tell em’: Ten percent of the population is up with me!

Just Say No: Negative Self-Talk

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I am not good enough.
I do not even deserve it anyway.
I will never be able to finish that, why bother.
I always end up feeling like this.

Do any of these sound familiar? Don’t worry we all do it at some point in our lives. However, studies have shown that negative people (and thinking) normally leads to being more depressed and unsatisfied with life.

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

On the other hand, when you experience and turn your attention to positive thinking, a funny thing happens: We flood our brains with the feel good chemical, endorphins. This helps us be more alert, relaxed and grounded within ourselves, just like we talked about in a previous podcast.

Reduce physical pain

Even physical pain can be greatly reduced by just looking on the bright side of things. It can spur an increased ability to feel pleasure. Or make feel more confident, and motivated toward whatever goals you presently had. For many, simply ‘thinking positively‘ is easier said than done. (We’re looking at you chronic ‘realists’). Sometimes negative self-talk and thinking is just a by-product of our past experiences and or who we surround ourselves with. It may even just be a habit of what we say to ourselves, which is why it’s important to regularly catch yourself in the act of negative (inaccurate) self talk and thinking.

But, we have some amazing news…YOU are in total control of your thoughts! All your thoughts originate from you and your energy.

In short, all hope isn’t lost. You can still learn to consciously choose to toss the nay saying and start ‘Yay’ saying. This will help you start creating a more fulfilling, more productive and happier life. So let us discuss three common negative self-talk pitfalls that many of us fall into on a sometimes daily basis.

1. Fortune Telling Thinking

Easily identified as a mental habit of “predicting” what will happen with no (or little) actual evidence. Examples: Met a stranger on the train and traded numbers – “She’s obviously not going to ever call me.” – After giving a presentation at work – “Everyone hated it and I’m not getting promoted.”

Quick fix: “I hope she calls me!” or “I may have missed the promotion this time but I’ll try again if I get the chance.”

When we think of the worst case scenario it’s easy for our mind to follow us there. It’s an unfortunate side effect of not flexing your imagination and can lead to loads of anxiety and hyperarousal.

2. Black and White Thinking

This is the thinking that makes us evaluate things only in the scope of extremes. Examples: You just had a recent date that seemed lukewarm – “Jeez, I really screwed that up.” – If you received a B+ on an exam – “Ugh I’m such an idiot!”

Quick fix: “Maybe she thought my bad joke was funny.” or “I did my best and I’m proud of myself.”

We do this often when we think about our own personal qualities or character traits. When viewing things this way, it is bound to set us up for tremendous disappointment. If expectations are exaggerated over and over, we can never live up to them and then we feel we’ve failed ourselves!

3. Overgeneralization

When we tell ourselves that something bad is inevitable and will continue to happen in the future, this is overgeneralizing. Examples: If you missed the train – “Of course! I always miss the train.” – Didn’t get picked for the position at work – “I’m never getting a raise. I should quit and look for something else.

Quick fix: “I missed the train but that gives me extra time for the next one’s arrival.” or “I’ll try harder next time and ask for feedback.”

This is another self destructive way of thinking that involves predicting (Fortune Telling Thinking) what may or may not happen, all based on very narrow pieces of evidence from the past and assumptions on our part.

It’s very likely that either we, or someone we know probably exhibits some common forms of negative-talk and there a few more we haven’t discussed. Changing your usual way of thinking and the way you talk to yourself can be an huge undertaking. This is even more of a challenge when this is a long-standing way of thinking. It becomes a part of us. That’s why in the next article on this topic we will cover a few more ways we take the role of our own worst critic and offer some practical advice on to turn your negative self-talk into mental positive boosting.


In the meantime take inventory of your self talk. Pay special attention to what type of conversations you have with yourself. Are these conversations positive and affirming or the opposite? Practice catching yourself when they are negative and try some of our quick fixes if you need a place to start.

Soulrenity Sunday – June 2019

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June is a month of focus and clarity. This is the time to shift your mindset into high gear and manifest all the things you have been hoping for. Where there’s a will, there’s you.

​Join Natali and her co-host Dawn each Sunday on a Soul Journey into the wild with Soulrenity Sunday. On the last Sunday of the month we will share a short spiritual forecast founded in our intuition. We will soul-seek while hoping for the best but preparing for the unexpected during the month. Our goal is always to stop, listen and get in touch with our authentic selves while decoding the messages that are being shown to us each day. Are you ready to reconnect with your soul-renity?

Inner Healing Through Creativity

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Are you on a healing path? Do you sometimes wonder if you could tap into something that might help the process along in a natural way? Have a lot of ideas but not sure where to go? This could be where creativity comes in for you!

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

In my personal experience, creativity has been one of the biggest healing fountains I’ve ever accessed. If you’ve decided to take the conscious steps on your own healing journey or thrust yourself into the clarity of your life path, creativity and thinking openly will more than likely be a vital part of your process.

Are you stuck?

If you are on a path of growth, sometimes you may find yourself stuck at dead ends or trying to figure out a way to comfortably put the pieces back together–and it’s hard to put the pieces back together in exactly the same way they were before when we are growing. Change happens and that change is something we have to learn to accept as our new reality starts to presents itself to us as we heal and grow. (I’m still trying to find ways to accept my new reality as I grow every day.)

We are always expanding our view as new branches form in our tree. Creative energy helps with the growth of these branches.

But…

What if we have a hard time finding ways to express the new version of ourselves without fear or doubt as we stretch to new heights?

This is where creativity can naturally come in and we can learn to express our growth with intent, emotions, problems, thoughts–or anything we want to explore!

There’s no doubt that the most creative minds out there have something to share but I believe that all people have the ability to be their own creators. Every one of us has an innate creative ability to some degree and this applies to many different facets of life. The benefits of exploring our own creativity can activate parts of our subconscious mind that aren’t normally utilized in our daily life. The simple act of creating something can increase our “ability to tap into the subconscious” by exploring our reality.

Here’s a small list of what we can learn about inside ourselves when utilizing creativity while on a healing path.

  • Dreams
  • Fantasies
  • Unusual Concepts
  • Ideas
  • Spiritual Explorations
  • Memories
  • Imagination
  • Intuition
  • Emotions
  • Positivity
  • Confidence
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Philosophy
  • …and more

This list could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. These simply listed topics are HUGE for those diving head first into their own healing process. Thinking outside of the box can help us find all the answers we seek.

Not only can exploring creativity present a new perspective but, as I said, it has massive healing qualities.

What will if feel like?

It can lead us comfortably through the process of growth and bring dreams forward that we had forgotten or even spark us to create something new! It can also center us when the tide gets too high during the painful triggers or develop our sense of self-awareness in daily activities. Through exploring our creativity we can even discover hidden memories or thought patterns which hold us back within.

At the start of my own healing journey, I couldn’t move forward without accessing this part of myself. Even the simple act of exploring questions can be creative enough to expand the mind and heart. It opens many avenues for growth and ultimately, the expansion that your soul really craves.

If utilized during your own process, it will soothe and help you to expand. If you have expansion on your plate in order to hold or balance energy, this is something I highly recommend for those looking to understand with more clarity. Creative thinking and growth is an amazing tool for the mind, body, emotions, and spirit.

Check out Part 2 soon where I discuss this at more detail and a concept I like to call the “Creative Threshold” for great feats of healing or growth.

Addicted To Love

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Do you find yourself falling in love often? Is there a part of you that loves love but hates intimacy? Have you ever felt unable to ‘live’ without someone? Or find yourself obsessed with a partner, regardless of their toxicity?

You might be experiencing a form of ‘love addiction’.

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

What is love addiction?

Normally love is seen as an overall positive and joyful experience. It’s hard to fathom that “too much” love can be a bad thing. Love addiction is categorized as being in love with the feelings of being in love. This can trigger compulsive behavior. It’s a deep, longing and craving for love. This is because we break down love for what it really is. We see a complex physiological process involving hormones, bodily chemicals, environmental factors, and neurotransmitters. It’s a perplexing combination of science, personality traits, and affection.

Those who are affected by love addiction seem to never get past the initial stages of falling in love. This provides a sense of purpose and meaning to someone’s “love”. The euphoria creates an emotional response that can be intoxicating, often worsening love addiction.

It explains why people who are addicted to love attract described ‘love-avoidant’ partners. We’ll discuss love-avoidants in another article. Both types of people can harbor feelings of abandonment and being controlled.

It feels like you must…

Love addiction is not classified as a disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5). Even though it most certainly could appear in it. Once you closely look at the verbiage and actions surrounding love addiction, it would be classified alongside compulsive disorders.

Love addiction is a serious form of codependency. The shared relationship or idea of one is the sole, all consuming focus of the love addict’s attention. When this condition really gets out of hand the love addict will find themselves stalking, harassing, following, or even keeping a close monitor on their object of affection/obsession!

Are you or someone you know addicted to love?

Look at the 10 Signs of a Love Addict below:

Image courtesy of Loveaddiction.com

As you may see now, there is no one way in which love addiction will present itself. It is different within each individual. The core of the disorder seems to come from a place of fear and helplessness. It often couples with other behavioral symptoms such as:

  • Bouts of depression and/or anxiety, ADD, ADHD, addiction, PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorder, and dysthymia
  • Having multiple online dating profiles
  • Constant searching for ‘the perfect partner’
  • A strong fear of rejection
  • Inability to keep important dates or obligations
  • Feeling unsure about the purpose/direction of life

How to break the addiction?

Love addiction being so similar to drug and other behavioral addictions. The recovery to it is also the same. Effective treatment has been identified as:

  • Group therapy
  • Individual counseling
  • Family counseling
  • CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)
  • Self-esteem boosting activities

Don’t let a distorted view of love and how to receive or give it prevent you from loving in a healthy way. If you feel like this describes you or someone you know, we strongly suggest you seek help in breaking the love addiction pattern however you can.

You can start by visiting Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous online to find a group near you. And please remember, you are never scarce on love, infinite love always lies within you and never in someone else’s grasp.

Meditative Sky Gazing

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At first traditional meditation was very difficult for me. Sitting? Crossing my legs? Straightening my back? Easing into it? All of these things felt like an imaginary checklist I was attempting to tick off each time I tried meditation. I was focusing more on what I thought I needed to be doing to relax all the while, fully relaxing. I’ve found that personally, this is my favorite way to ‘zen out’.

Wanna rest your eyes? Listen to this via the MySoulrenity + Beyond podcast!

Within Tibetan Buddhism there is a meditation practice called Sky Gazing. This tradition comes from an emphasizes resting in a natural state, free from conceptual elaborations. When in this natural state, it can feel entirely open and clear in your mind—very freeing. Many of us have experienced this state of ‘spontaneous awareness’ while staring at the sun without realizing it.

I can’t stop gazing…

Sky Gazing cuts through many of the challenges people have when they learn to meditate. You can’t help but relax, gaze at the sky, and explore what’s happening at that moment. This can be at day or night thankfully for us ‘gazers’. You can do this practice with the clear blue sky or at night among the stars. My preference heavily depends on where I am. Stars are better for gazing at in warmer, open sky, low light polluted areas while clouds/sky are better for me during colder months in the park or my backyard.

After the brain, our eyes are arguably the most complex organ in our bodies, containing more than 200 million working parts. Don’t believe me? Look at the perhaps familiar optical illusions that require gazing below. What do you see? Are the circles spinning in the first picture? Do the dots move in the second animated (like marking signs) illusion? Is this staircase really ‘impossible’ to end?

One of the most reassuring thing for me in regards to Sky Gazing is that just as our minds are always ‘here’ with us, so is the sky. It’s always just a quick ‘gaze’ away. They are both permanent fixtures that exist at all times in all places. When I am sky gazing, I find that when negative and unwanted thoughts arise it is much easier to see them off with the sky as the backdrop to my mind and view.

How do you “do” Sky Gazing?

  1. Lie (or sit) down anywhere comfortable outside and get settled into your own breathing pattern
  2. Once you’re relaxed, focus on your outward breathing and let it sit there. If your mind is wandering try to steer it to how your body reacts after each exhale but don’t get distracted.
  3. Stare the horizon and just rest your gaze there. Your eyes should be softly kept open, not focusing on any one thing.
  4. Let your gaze rise and fall with your natural breathing pattern unchanging it if possible (remember, it’s natural).
  5. Whenever thoughts, emotions, and body sensations creep in, let them be, until they fade away on their own. Don’t try to push them out.
  6. Hone in on your inner awareness with your breathing. You noticing a pattern here? Focusing on your breathing allows you to focus on you. Follow it with your awareness and notice or imagine how it fades into the inner space of the sky view before you.
  7. Try to notice and fully realize that the sky you are viewing is one with your mind and just as open. The sky and your mind are both so open in this state they could easily connect. Your visual sky is exactly the same as the inner sky like mind. (I often hum or or find a few words to repeat in my mind like ‘Sky’ or ‘Space’ to repeat over and over.)
  8. The next part of Sky Gazing is personal and will differ from another person. As your mind and body react to the distracted gazing it may have different physical responses. That is Sky Gazing, whatever happens in your mind and body is all a part of Sky Gazing.

Pay attention

I’ve found that starting with only 5 minutes of Sky Gazing and working my way up to almost 25 minutes was the best strategy for me! Sometimes I can only practice for 10 minutes and other times, my mind takes me for a easy 20 minute gazing ride. Your experience might differ and that’s okay. Sky Gazing is not about “spacing out”. Rather it’s about staying with and seeing through the trackless thoughts and emotions of your mind and body and releasing it into the sky. This teaches us not to dwell on any one detail but rather take in the whole view, even if not clear at times.

Also…

See if you can include whatever shows up in your mind and hold-back from analyzing it. Just let it be and feel free…

Images courtesy of: 13 Optical Illusions That Will Blow Your Mind

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